Between my 16th and 19th years of age I went through my own personal transformation, independently from unwritten societies regulations. Wild fashion style with wildest point of view, alongside with rising drug passion for adventures beyond logical thinking. Through primary and secondary school I had flew just because of principals of society around me, but did not get in touch with them, reading and counting and writing that will do for me. I was a bit worst than average pupil what about exams and points. Primary school, except home circumstances, not much interesting happen there compare to secondary school, where homes circumstances lowered a bit (father left us, drugs comes up) but school circumstances upwards lots in some points. But I won’t explain here all situations with psychological attacks on my person in my childhood, teens times; like in home so in school either, through which I’ve been until the ends of secondary school, because this will take few more lines probably pages. (Close explanation you get on request)

At 19 years of age I finished at school and start focus on life properly in own way. On one side I wanted job for safe income in technical-materialist world to survived, but on other side there was my past, which been screaming for independence, freedom and adventures of life, alongside with consciousness and full awareness of these experiences. In this time, I was also near to top of my artistic skills, which developed unconsciously through youth curiosity about tattoo art, at age of 16th, I did some different drawings (tribal, biomechanics, fantasy, landscapes), I did my own fashion (make own cloths, remaking cloths) with which I had shocked community around me, but not purposely, not at all; I just wanted be Me in they ‘freewill’ world. After my birthday of 20 years of age, technical world went mostly under my skin and I started lived human life; it came to me reality of community, at age of 22 I had completely stopped with any kind of own art.

I wanted just some job which I will like a bit, and had bit money for my mom, unfortunately the situation about jobs in country where I’d lived at that time, was bad, and my fashion image of open free mind extrovert was not helpful at all, either. I was most of times unemployed with occasionally part-time jobs as cashier, waiter and bartender (this job mostly stayed with me all the times also in UK, also I did some certifications in this kind of field because I really enjoyed this work, I love it at that time). And because all of this, and my community circumstances around me, my thoughts in my head from past, and my full conscious witnessing to “freewill - equal” world around me, and no matter what, be still aware of it; the little money which I had, I used for drugs and fun for that day. I was something like a street freak who takes what ever comes by, I’ve tried pushed as much as I could, and I’ve pushed more on my dosages, and took harder combinations and trips with helps of psilocybin mushrooms, LSD, cooked products from marihuana, MDMA, cocaine, few times ketamine and heroin (H-did not like it at all), plus some alcohol come alongside on weekends. I’ve smoked marihuana or hash 4-8 times a day, 3-7 days in row on Methamphetamines, sometimes 2-3 weeks on it, lots different of combinations. Just do not get too much involved with really real world.

But really real world was stronger and result of that was my first mental breakdown in early summer in 2003. Willingly I went in to psychiatry for one month permanently and two months for once a week group session. It was for me more like holidays, just a bit sort out thoughts inside the head, and get a bit clearer view on my own existence. I’ve met there lots of different and interesting peoples. I’ve been through many different thoughts about my life, past, present and future, most of them was relating to physical me and my family, friends. But I had thoughts also like these – why I am so conscious and aware of everything what happen around me, bad and good do not compare, why I do not prejudged people like every one around me – but, why they are always wrong about me in they first judgment and I am always right with my inside judgment. The doctor’s diagnose was - Personal Disorder – at this time I knew it, that there is something more behind it, then just a P. D., but I could just silently keep up once more time again.

When I came back after month from psychiatry, the really first thing which I did at home was that I’ve pierced my ears, both. (Don’t know why I mention it, but I did.) After three months from psychiatry, I got a job in one of my oldest brother’s (JM) friend’s bars as a bartender-waiter. And there, my true street freak takes what ever comes by me, could come up back again. With a bit clearer point of view and after refreshing holidays, I sink into my old ways with some new thoughts about a future path of my physical me. I was a bit surer that I’m going to push it on adventure side of drugs; and my body, brain, mind, whole my psyche will have to go through lots of inexperienced trips which will play with me the games which I wanted, even when I knew it her experienced rules and conditions, and I did. With the Bar atmosphere which turns twice a months in proper disillusionment from world for techno, drum&bass, trance, chill out enthusiasts, along side with myself behind the bar (pushing drugs from behind the bar, not just drinks), it was the right timing with proper effects. I’ve pushed more, smoked more, combinate more. Usually that kind of parties were the hardest one what about combinations and dosages. The bigger party the longer I prepared myself and on party I took 2-3 times more doses as usually. All the time witnessing consciously or a bit unconsciously to my behavior against community and opposite, and be aware when need to. Otherwise, I had fully enjoyed the chemical actions inside of my body before, at time and after dose.

[For clearer explaining need to add this, my usage of drugs was not matter of physical or psychical addiction, my interest was more of deeper consciousness about the usage, I did not just took them, but I also spend some time in library to study them, they birth time, they past, they ways with humans, they reasons, they usage in society, they structures, get some kind of picture about them (when, how, what) and then use them. And compare this writings with my own experiences, did they match or not. Don’t know why I started this comparing thing, it’s just came to me unconsciously, spontaneously and stayed with me for a quite long time, till now. It was just a pure individual curiosity and wonderment about they powers, actions, properties, reasons. Or, it was just an escape from past, present and future, because of unbalanced psyche and confused thoughts of young brain. Because I had to be honest to myself and had to face it, that my infant and teen times were harsh times witch left lots of psychological cuts. But I believed, that if it was for this reason, I won’t write this letter.]